(Source: lipgallagher)

prufrocking:

[X]

danceyrselfclean:

Thirteen year olds are the meanest people in the world.  They terrify me to this day.  If I’m the street on a Friday at like 3PM and I see a group of eighth graders on one side of the street, I will cross to the other side of the street because eighth graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.  They will get to the thing that you do not like about you.  They don’t even need to look at you for long they’ll just be like “Hahahahahahaha hey look at the high-waisted man he has feminine hips!”  And I’m like “Noooo that’s the thing I’m sensitive about!“ 

—John Mulaney:  New In Town 1/28/12 on Comedy Central

Mulaney is simply the best.  

danceyrselfclean:

“New York is very safe because on most streets they are filming Law And Order SVU.  They are always doing that.  That’s my favorite show on television because on SVU you can say the grossest, sickest things you’ve ever heard in your life.  No you can’t say the F word but people go around saying ‘Looks like the victim has anal contusions,’ ‘Looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victim’s ear canal.’  Those are two real things I heard on Law And Order SVU at 3 o’clock in the afternoon.  Both spoken by Ice T.  Ice T is a detective with the SVU, he handles New York’s most sensitive cases…and what I love about Ice T is that he’s been with the SVU oh about 11 years now but he still treats every case like it’s his first in terms of total confusion…”

“Yo you telling me this dude gets off on little girls with pigtails?”  

“Oh I get you mean it like when someone drinks too much or snorts cocaine or bets too much on the ponies?”  

“Or like when someone smokes too many cigarettes or when someone shops too much with credit cards or like when someone plays too many scratchy lotteries or when someone eats too much chocolate cake and then barfs it up and he would keep talking and then it would slowly fade out to executive producer Dick Wolf and that would be my ideal episode.”

—John Mulaney, Conan 1/25/12

LOVE IT!  I just can’t when it comes to Mulaney…he has me falling off my couch from laughing so much every single time.  Btw the two Spud Webbs in the Stefon bit on Weekend Update a while back was no accident, totally done by John to ruin Bill Hader haha.  Gosh to be a fly on the wall when they’re writing the Stefon bits up.